This is really hard for me to write. I feel the need to let everything out and to leave my emotions on paper. Miscarriage is such a taboo subject. They say that 1 in 5 women will have a miscarriage in their lifetime. I only know of a very select few that have openly talked about it.
Here's my (our) story:
When we got pregnant with Cooper, it was a complete surprise. We had no idea we were expecting or how far along we were. This time was completely different. It was well thought out and planned. Brad and I have been trying for #2 for quite some time.
On December 24th, 2013, I took a pregnancy test. It came back saying "YES". Brad was at work and I had the day off. I wrapped up a bib, addressed it to Daddy, and put it under the tree. A few hours later, Brad came home and we opened gifts. I caught the excitement in his eyes in one photo. We kissed and were both so thrilled.
It was the best Christmas present ever. I had calculated my due date to be August 24th, 2014. It was perfect. Very close to Cooper's birthday so we could do everything together. We were really hoping for another boy. But just really wanted to healthy baby, boy or girl.
Everything changed on Saturday, January 4th. I woke up that morning, went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding. I instantly called for Brad and started bawling. I called the Nurse line at the hospital and they told me that 1st trimester bleeding was very normal. They just wanted me to keep an eye on it, and call them with any changes. After waiting around all day and the bleeding didn't stop. Brad and I headed to the Emergency Room. After a pelvic exam, urine tests, blood tests, and an ultrasound, it was determined that I was having a miscarriage.
I was "only" 7 weeks along. That means that I knew I was pregnant for about 3 weeks. Even before that positive pregnancy test, I just knew I was expecting. Within that three weeks, I had already planned out my entire life with having two kiddos to take care of. I may have been a little intimated, but I was so excited.
I truly don't know how to feel at this moment in time. I'm obviously very upset. I lost my baby. At 7 week or 17 weeks, I was so excited for this baby. We were both so excited. I'm flat out pissed off. Why did this happen to us? What did we do wrong? At this point in my life, I'm the strongest and healthiest I have ever been. There are lots of people out there that aren't in stable relationships that get to keep their babies. Why can't we have ours? I feel so cheated.
Two days after the ER visit, I'm doing okay physically. Still cramping quite a bit and bleeding yet. I go back to the doctor on Tuesday to speak to him about our next steps. Emotionally, I'm on a rollercoaster. I think it will be this way for a while.
The reason for writing about this is to help us with the healing process. If it helps us, it might help those that have had this happen before and suffered in silence. Or those that may be going through the same thing right now. Or even those in the future that may have to go through this. (I sure hope not!) It's not easy, but we're here for you.
I'm very thankful for a great group of family and friends to rally around us during this difficult time. We love you. This will not deter us from trying again for a little brother or sister for Cooper. Cooper has brought such joy and excitement into our lives. We want to be able to double that. And hopefully soon.
"I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be."
– Robert N. Munsch
